a little melancholy doesn't hurt..

I thought tonight would have been one of those nights which I normally would work on my PhD isolating myself from the rest of the 'far' world. In normal circumstances, I would turn on my computer (which is always idle on my bedside table) and open up the file that I'm currently working on and start on typing. Meanwhile, I would have my internet sites open to have little distractions when and if I need to.. So far, it had all started well. But today I had the new iTunes installed, so wanted to check out the new functionalities as a distraction for a change.. There something went wrong and my eye grabbed the word 'podcasts'. I don't know why I had this urge to check whether the radio station that I previously worked in Ankara had any podcast. I googled "radyo odtu podcasts".

And there it was, they had a website with all the podcasting programs. My favourite friends/programmers are still there and now even podcasting! "Modern sabahlar' ('modern mornings' in English) is the first one that I checked, because these guys are the funniest people I have ever listened to. They sounded like as I left - except the subject they tackle daily are different of course. Even the radio jingles are the same as I used to play. I remember perfectly the day those jingles arrived. They were ordered from US, and American singers who are extremely talented in imitating the language of others had recorded our 'Radyo ODTU' jingles. It costed us by then a fortune. But that was money well spent! They are still in use even after almost 10 years.

Then, I discovered that one of my best friends, Fulya, also has her podcast under the name of 'Tozlu Yapraklar'. It's a melancholic way of saying old days in Turkish.. it literally means 'dusty pages'. I had a short listen to Fulya's program and immediately decided to subscribe to her. In her programe she talks about the music history beyond 60s and playbacks the hits of the week chronologically. So, there were these songs from my past too playing and reminding me of 'my' Turkey, my past, my stories..

High-school days, platonic loves, my first dance, my first dj-song, friends, on-air hours, top-40s, in-radio intrigues, songs which I hadn't heard ever since I left Turkey, etc. etc. were storming in my mind.. I admit.. I miss Turkey. I had great time there.. great friends, and a fantastic family which I had to leave behind.. it was without question worth for leaving for the love I had found abroad. But still Turkey is where I come from.. it's this special place that shaped me, sculpted me and my character.

This is not to announce people that I'm thankful for all.. It's rather an internal struggle that I needed to get rid of. I always 'acted' like I'm OK with living abroad and being away from my past. I visited my country only once a year if at all, and even then never stayed there long enough to kill my 'longing'. Maybe, I unconsciously chose to pretend that all was cool. In fact it's darn too difficult to be where I'm at the moment. If I hadn't 'strategically' ignored my longing, would I have been coping well as an alien in somebody else's land???

who knows actually.. but at this very moment I couldn't care less about my daily struggles. Now I'm turning up the volume to catch up with Ankara while enjoying my 'dusty pages' and dreaming of the next trip back home! ;-)